FOOLPROOF

Saturday, October 4th, 2003

Foolproof is a movie about three friends from university who spend their time planning heists. They don't actually do the heists, they do all the scoping, casing, planning and such to create the perfect crime, the 'foolproof' plan. You could say part of its perfection is because there is no crime, there is nothing to be caught or punished for. Until a real criminal catches wind of what they do, and forces them to plan one for him. There's really not a lot of depth to it, and some hammy acting, but i thought it was a lot of fun.

It raises some interesting issues - can you be arrested for simply planning a crime, even if there's no evidence you planned to execute it? Is it criminal to think about committing a crime? Well, ok, it doesn't go that deep, but it's worth thinking about.

One thing it should really be given kudos for is the amount of research into security systems, and how to break them. No super-gadgets, just a lot of hard work.

It's notable for being a Canadian movie with the widest ever release in this country. Probably won't do it a lot of good, because there's just no way to compete with Hollywood advertising budgets.

SCHOOL OF ROCK

Sunday, October 5th, 2003

Today, i'd planned to see probably Mystic River, but i still wasn't that enthused (and after paying for parking, and food - YEESH!), and decided to maybe check out The Italian Job (which, oddly, has just been released on DVD).

At the last minute, i decided to see School of Rock. I've been pretty wary of it, but it's had decent reviews almost everywhere, and i wanted some laughs. It was okay. Sure, you know where it's going, what the conflicts will be, but it was fun. Thankfully it's not too saccharine. Unbelievably, the director was Richard Linklater, who also directed Waking Life.

The only thing i found really annoying was the 'bitchy girlfriend' of Black's roommate ('assistant to the Mayor'? please...) - what a thankless role. Jack Black's character is a bit of a knob, but he's still pretty funny. Most of the movie is with Jack Black and the kids, and that's the best part. He talks a lot about different kinds of music, but ultimately all we hear is all 70s-style, Meatloaf-like bloated dino rock.

I decided to try something new to eat this time and got a Wetzel Dog (weiner wrapped in pretzel dough). Pretty fucking awful - i couldn't even finish it. The weiner is self was terrible. Rubbery piece of crap. Ordinary cinema hot dogs are better than that.

KILL BILL

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Today i saw Kill Bill (part one). I was considering seeing Intolerable Cruelty. I made the right decision.

My general reaction, and what i'll answer if anyone asks how it was, is to say, "Heh, heh, heh..." and grin. Okay, it didn't blow my mind, like Pulp Fiction did. I was too prepared for the kind of things i'd be seeing. But it was fantastic. It's a contender for best of the year, along with American Splendor and Lost in Translation. How could three movies be any more different?

Essentially, Kill Bill is a live-action anime.Well, except for the part which is actually anime. If you've read Lone Wolf and Cub (which i loved), or seen Ninja Scroll (which i hated), or even Rurouni Kenshin (which i also loved), you know what i mean.

The gore didn't bother me - the only violent scene which really bothered me was the one that was supposed to, the only one in which a gun is used (not merely fired). To be honest, i have no expereince what would happen if a limb was severed by a sword, but there was so much blood it made me laugh. Think the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Correct me if i'm wrong, but i saw no product placement. Oh sure, there were products, like the breakfast cereal, and the airline, but i'm reasonably sure they are fictional. Product placement sucks. QT is my hero.

There are what appear to be two errors. One is a continuity error (where did the wheelchair go?), which i suppose scarcely matters. The other is a grammatical error (in subtitles someone asks, "Whom in Okinawa..," which should be, "Who."

It's so like Tarantino to start the movie with its end. And the very last scene actually managed to shock me.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold." - Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderios de LaClos (1741-1803) from Les Liasons Dangereuses.

Second Viewing:

Yes, this time i heard the wheelchair spin away and hit something. Happy? ;)

The Bride talks about the 'entropy' of her legs. Either that's a joke (probably?), or she meant 'atrophy'. It's peculiar that her legs have atrophied so much, while she appears to have full, or nearly full, upper body strength. Uma's toes have been squished by her shoes.

The Bride mentions that nine have been killed, as does the Sheriff. The Sheriff's tally includes the Bride, while the Bride's includes her baby. Does the Bride know by the end about her baby (the question Bill asks)? I don't think so - remember her talking to Niki?

The Bride describes Sofie as being to O-Ren's right, when she's actually to her left, which is to the right of O-Ren from our point-of-view. Is the Bride narrating to us, or to someone else?

What else, if anything, did Sofie lose? When she rolled, she looked like she had an arm left. Interesting that she wasn't on the kill list. I was expecting Bill to kill Sofie - he may yet. To quote Frank-N-Furter, "It was a muhcy killing." Ha!

Flashbacks and such are common to many directors and many films. With other directors, it's a kind of trick, to keep us in suspense. With Tarantino, there's a subtle difference. In this case, it actually undermines suspense, because anyone who's seen the trailer will know what the rest of the movie is about, after you see the Bride check off her list for the 'first' time. He uses flashback in the 'normal' way in going back to the wedding, and even the hospital scenes. But while chronology and logic (since Sofie gave out her location) says Vernita Green died after O-Ren, it's simply more exciting the other way around. I'm not sure how else to describe it. I don't know anyone else who moves time around like this.

Third and Fourth Viewings

Just be quiet.

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY

Saturday, October 11th, 2003

I was a little leery about seeing Intolerable Cruelty after seeing Kill Bill. Especially considering the reviews have been a little weak. It's a rough week for it to start - there've been other weeks recently in which i could've used a movie like this, over whatever came out.

As it was, i like it a lot. It's not way up there, like Kill Bill or Lost in Translation, but it's still pretty good. Damn funny. It's a romantic comedy, emphasis on the comedy. People are calling it 'screwball', harkening back to an earlier era. Fair enough - although what people really mean is that it was good, and not the syrupy crap which usually passes for romantic comedy (and which keeps Meg Ryan employed).

Okay, the romance didn't sparkle - well, i didn't quite buy Catherine Zeta-Jones's conversion, but that's partly because we didn't see very much of her (for plot reasons). And George Clooney was amazing! He's great as the slick, predatory divorce lawyer, as the lost career man, and as the broken, lovesick loser. Compare his performance in court to his meeting with Wheezy Joe.

Speaking of Wheezy Joe, that has to be the most hapless hitman in a long while. Wish i could have found a pic of him.

MYSTIC RIVER

Friday, October 17th, 2003

I saw Mystic River. It's been getting decent reviews - here's a summary by Ebert:

" 'River' leads moviegoers on a suspense-filled, sometimes painful adventure marked by great performances

"Clint Eastwood's Mystic River is a dark, ominous brooding about a crime in the present that is emotionally linked to a crime in the past. It involves three boyhood friends in an Irish neighborhood of Boston, who were forever marked when one of them was captured by a child molester; as adults, their lives have settled into uneasy routines that are interrupted by the latest tragedy. Written by Brian Helgeland, based on the novel by Dennis Lehane, the movie uses a group of gifted actors who are able to find true human emotion in a story that could have been a whodunit, but looks too deeply and evokes too much honest pain."

Despite the good reviews i was quite disappointed. I thought the characters were more cliches than real people. It's not that the performances were bad... just, i felt i was watching Sean Penn play a neighborhood tough guy, rather than watching a character named Jimmy who happened to be a tough guy. Same with Bacon's cop. Tim Robbins performance was more believable. And i liked Laurence Fishburne too.

At one point one character says something about how the molesting incident affected them all, and i thought, "What the fuck - you two haven't been affected very much at all." Nothing at all suggests they might have been anything different, and definitely not a shell of a human like the victim ended up.

It had more interest to me as a whodunnit, but it was too easy for that. I figured out whodunnit almost as soon as we met the character. We were set up obviously to believe one character did it, and i saw how that would play out. And what's with Jimmy's wife suddenly turning into Lady Macbeth at the end?

Oddly, most of the movie is designed around solving a murder, but when we solve that and find out about another, what happens? Sheesh. And really, things are awful close and tidy. There's one thing to well-designed plot, and we can accept a lot of that for fantasy-type movies like Kill Bill. But this had far too many coincidences. Especially the one with David making his discovery.

I know kids sneak into bars and get goofy, but i've never been in one where customers were allowed to dance on the bar. And it's a bit hard to imagine the young ladies even wanting to go to a working-class neighborhood sports pub, let alone go in to dance on the bar.

All in all, it was underwhelming.

THE STATION AGENT

Sunday, October 19th, 2003

I'd glanced over some reasonably positive things about The Station Agent, although i didn't really know much about it. It's about a man with dwarfism and a passion for trains, who inherits an old train station in rural New Jersey. He's pretty anti-social - and we see the general abuse he has to take on a daily basis for his height. Other people in the area, especially the chatty coffee/food truck guy, start forcing themselves on him.

It's not groundbreaking, but i think it's a nice little film - pretty funny, and charming. I really enjoyed the performances.

SCARY MOVIE 3

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Okay, today i saw Scary Movie 3. It's not a great film by any means, not good really. But it was an amusing enough diversion for an hour and half. Laughed out loud at really stupid things. The plot is really disjointed - for example, Leslie Nielsen's character comes in half way through and suddenly takes over the movie, but who cares.

The two funniest things (that i hadn't already seen in the previews):

The phone rings: "I want my precioussss..." "Hi Mom!"

And, in a spoof of Signs, at the accident scene the husband arrives, you see the guy who hit the wife. Here he looks up at the husband and says, "Hey, after this i'll need a ride home."

I thought they were going to spoof the Nightcrawler at the White House scene from X2. Lost opportunity.

Not in the movie:

One scene from the trailer that was missing:

Orpheus: [To Cindy] I believe this night, we will find...
La'Quesha: What are you still doing here?
Orpheus: Please La'Quesha, I'm prophesizing.
La'Quesha: Oh, I'm prophesizing my foot half way up your ass!

There were a pile of noisy kids there. One in particular was quite irritating - he'd keep on laughing excessively, just to show everyone what an asshole he was. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I considered yelling at him to shut up, but it also occurred to me he might be... well, what's the term these days?... 'medically Blue Monday'? Heh. Not worth the risk.
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Speaking of Scary Movie 3, remember that ad where i saw the lead (Anna Faris) dressed like Trinity? She was winking exactly like Reese Witherspoon in the ad for Legally Blonde 2. The two of them look a lot alike. Actually, her cuteness isn't quite as annoying as Reese Witherspoon's. And shit, i just realized Anna Faris played the singer/actress in Lost In Translation. Huh!

CASA DE LOS BABYS

Sunday, October 26th, 2003

The movie Casa de los Babys was pretty good. It's about American women staying in an unnamed Latin American country who are staying there to adopt a baby (some residential requirement). It's not Mexico (Mexico gets mentioned as a possible stopover with a fake passport), but they look Mexican. Not surprisingly, because that was where it was filmed. I thought i'd read it was set in Argentina, but most of the people looked like they had native ancestry. It's sometimes a little forced - there's a character we're supposed to hate (she has few redeeming qualities); a moment where two women, who can't speak each other's language have deep talks to each other (including a cleaning woman).

But mostly it was pretty good. Interesting character studies of the women down there. It asks questions that it doesn't have to answer (is one character lesbian?). It seems a lot like a bunch of strangers who have been brought together. A lot of gossip, but not a lot of talking. I found Daryl Hannah and Maggie Gyllenhaal particularly interesting. We learn about DH's character mostly from what others are saying, but she seems rather different than their opinion. I like how it goes outside the women, and into the lives of the locals, particularly street children.

ALIEN

Saturday, October 31, 2003

So, this afternoon, i went to see Alien, The Director's Cut. Appropriate for Halloween. And i was the ONLY one in the theatre! Scaaaareeee.

I couldn't tell you what's different, because i really didn't remember what the movie was like. I'm pretty sure i've seen it, but i saw Aliens before i saw Alien, so it's screwed up my perceptions of the two. So, of course it's good. Interesting points... There was no apparent autopsy of John Hurt. The computers they were using were archaic. Made in 1979, before the era of the mouse and a decent interface. Man - still smoking way in the future. Ripley's undies were pretty short in the back - you wouldn't be able to tell if they were on backwards (but thankfully, this was also before the era of the thong). Why did the ship started venting vapor when the self-destruct began? I know, i know - just to make it creepier to walk through. What i found interesting about Ripley herself is that she wasn't this 'macha' bitch that she seemed to become later. She was actually fairly cautious, and scared to death (but keeping it together better than the other woman).

MATRIX REVOLUTIONS

Thursday, November 6th, 2003

Matrix Revolutions was something along the lines of what you'd expect. Except... it wasn't much of a victory. The ending doesn't make sense. It's not 'ambiguous' like the ending of Lost In Translation. The machines are still cloning babies, living off them. They're gonna choose?! Huh?

Keanu has a stiff neck. Pretty superpowered decent fight scene.The machines are great at building squid-like things that can somehow fly. But they seem amazingly vulnerable to human weapons. With EMPs around, you'd think the humans would build more conventional weapons, like guns, which don't require electricity. NOTE TO COUNCIL: Install more EMP's around city.

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And the battle scene in above Zion was way too long. Yeah, yeah, we get it. You battled hard, squids look improbable but cool, squids easily shot down, but just too many, could've saved yourself millions in SFX - what're Trinity and Neo doing?

I have no problem with philosophy. I just feel that it's not an excuse for making stuff that doesn't make sense (and i thought this didn't make sense). Even if they'd left it open-ended at, "How are we and the machines going to live together," rather than where they already seem to have reached a modus vivendi.

I suppose this isn't too relevant, but the original premise doesn't actually make sense anyways. Why build a Matrix? Why not just keep us asleep or comatose? They'd have to expend a lot of energy to keep it running. Humans aren't batteries, we're light bulbs. We use up fuel, and even feeding dead ones back to living ones wouldn't be enough to sustain us. If the machines are using the energy they get from us, then we have to be getting it from somewhere. Some fuel can be got from fossil fuels, or geothermal, but most ultimately comes from the sun (either directly or in the form of plants). I thought this actually could have led to an interesting line of thought. "If keeping the humans and teh matrix going is actually costing the machines more energy than they get back, why are they doing it?" Interesting possibilities for questions of why individuals are important to society (represented here by the machines) , just as humans need things society can bring (even Zion couldn't have functioned without their machines and cyberspace).

We don't produce energy, we consume it, but it is true that our brains are more active when awake compared to normal sleep, although they're as active during REM sleep. Ironically, there was an article about brain activity during sleep states in last week's Nature.

It's one thing to actually use a whole bunch of religious or iconic names - i just wish the issues it touched on, or suggests, were actually addressed more.

They had something when he knocked over a vase and the Oracle wondered if he did it only because she said something to him. But, in practical terms, there's no real debate. Neo's the One - people believed in him, he did things no one would do, like fight the agents, or go to the machine city, and things no one could do, like adapting to the Matrix much faster and better than anyone else and developing a superhuman vision after he was 'blinded' (he should become a crime fighting lawyer now). His first name is an anagram of the One. So, he may say he's not the One, but he is. Which is why it's disappointing - we can't chalk these things up to free will. They can only be described as destiny.

ELF

Friday, November 7th, 2003

Elf was very good. Much better than it had a right to be. Most 'high-concept' movies, and most 'kids' movies, really suck. But this had the right sensibility. Will Farrell played the elf straight, the only way to go. But it wasn't mean or nasty, or gross, or especially violent. And it never gets too cloying. The closest movie to this one in its flavor? Big with Tom Hanks - same innocence to it.

It wasn't perfect. The romance was a bit perfunctory (we didn't really see what Jovie saw in Buddy), the conversion of his dad was pretty sudden and out of nowhere, and the crisis was a bit mechanical at the end. BUT...most of it is in the joy of the humor, especially Ferrell's performance. And how bad can a movie be that has Bob Newhart as a father elf?

THE SINGING DETECTIVE

Saturday, November 8th, 2003

I saw The Singing Detective. I know there's been a TV show based on the same idea (actually Dennis Potter wrote both, including the screen play), but know nothing else about it - never read it. I think the TV series is affecting people's opinions on the movie.

Anyways, i quite liked it. A very odd concept, full of bitterness and pain and paranoia and serious drama, combined with singing and light humor. I can see how fans of the TV show would see it as being choppy and too condensed, although i just accepted that as the style. Robert Downey Jr is great - so is Robin Wright Penn (although she's looking a little too thin - but she definitely works out - sheesh!), and Mel Gibson, who is almost unrecognizable (took me about 2 minutes for me) as a geeky doctor.

It's interesting the way the characters of the book and real life overlap and integrate. There were scenes which i had assumed were part of the book, but were in fact flashbacks. Of course, at times it becomes difficult to separate 'fact' and fiction. One thing is, i'm not sure of the time. It looks rather modern in the hospital, although we see a character use a computer (although it looks old). What i'm getting at, is the writer's childhood seems set too far in the past, although those details may be just in his head. One of the funnier bits is the two characters who try to get their revenge on the writer for not having been drawn clearly enough - not even sure of whether they're good guys or bad guys.

"I have to lift your penis so i can grease around it."

LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION

Friday, November 14th, 2003

I saw Looney Tunes: Back In Action today. It was pretty good. Lots of funny stuff. Great cameos. Lots of sight gags, some i couldn't catch. But i feel a little disappointed. Bugs Bunny was barely in it - i mean, he was there, but mostly in the background, cracking jokes in the background. The story mostly revolved around Daffy, Brendan Fraser, Jenna Elfman, and Steve Martin. They were ok - Steve Martin was pretty cartoony and funny for a human. Now Daffy - he was fantastic. I don't like it when he's played for 'mean'. I didn't really warm to the new Duck Dodgers, although he shows up in the movie (and don't like Porky in that at all). Daffy is all ID - that's what makes him great. His voice was great too - not all of them are really on, but his is.

What disappointed me was the idea that Bugs and Daffy need 'real people' to be the heroes, the idea they couldn't carry a movie - they can! A whole bunch of characters show up in this movie as Steve Martin's henchmen - like Yosemite Sam. But there's no reason Sam couldn't have actually been the villain. There's no reason Bugs couldn't have been the Brendan Fraser character. Of course, it would have to be re-written, but he could've filled that heroic role. Jenna's role could've been played by a cartoon too - like the vampy or bimboish duck that's been in the old cartoons, or a female rabbit. There was a father figure, a spoof on James Bond, played by Timothy Dalton - there could've been another toon for him - like a 'James Bunny'. Anyways, Bugs was way underplayed - it was irritating. So was the enormous, much commented upon product placement.

Still, lots of good laughs - some i'm sure i've missed, because i haven't seen the reference. Funny bits: Bugs as Janet Leigh in psycho. Brendan Fraser's car makes the same sound Daffy did when he became Porky's engine in an old ep. Bits that cartoons can do real good - jump into paintings, and take on their style. Quite clever. The parts where Bugs and Daffy did take centrestage were great (parts i also liked in Space Jam), like the space battle. Bugs does a riff on an unmentionable movie.

FALLING ANGELS

Saturday, November 15th, 2003

In the afternoon i went to see Falling Angels, a movie based on the book by Barbara Gowdy. Set in a depressing cookie-cutter suburb in the 60s, it's about a fairly ordinary family, except for the Mom (played by Miranda Richardson), who's virtually useless at everything, depressed and drunk. The three daughters get her her liquor. She's not so much the family's emtional core, as its emotional hole. The father likes to live in the past, constantly talking about things he and mom used to do (mom used to be a dancer), but he's also got a temper, is desperate to appear normal to the neighbors, and tries to impose military style discipline on the daughters. The flashbacks to the Cuban missile crisis era, where he forces his family into a bombshelter for two weeks (it's the family vacation, in lieu of Disneyland) is both scary, depressing and funny. So is dad's idea of Christmas presents for his teenage daughters.

In some ways, the daughters are cliches. There's the angry rebel, experimenting with drugs and radical politics, but not in the cliched way - more in the suburban, i heard about it on TV kind of way. There's the schlump with thick glasses who's the family doormat trying to make everyone happy - but who again grows out of that with a fixation that's at the centre of what's driving this family. The third, the youngest, is hyper-feminine, dressed in pink, making her own clothes, wearing lots of make up, and looking for love in all the wrong places. Mark McKinney from Kids In The Hall plays a shoe salesman, whom we discover is sleazy in a typical small town way - but it's with him that the story takes a bizarre little turn that almost becomes a KITH sketch (in fact, there was one very much like it).

There's something in the past which has undermined the family (and here's a case where i wish i could rewind to the very beginning), although not all the characters know about it. And i think dad would be a loser regardless. movie's a bit relentless in its gloom, but also fairly funny. There is very little online about this movie - IMDB has it listed, but with very litttle else. Most of the other movie sites have nothing. Of course, you know, that means it's Canadian.

Katherine Isabelle is quite pretty, even though she's not 'the pretty one' in this movie.

LOVE THAT BOY

Sunday, November 16th, 2003

Another day, another movie.

Today it was Love That Boy. It's about a young woman named Phoebe, just about to graduate from university, who's motto could be, "We can do better." She has a huge check list of things that she wants to accomplishment, like 'Forage for Edible Wilds', 'Write and Illustrate Children's Book', 'Understand Jazz', 'Kayaking Certification'. She drives her roommate nuts and out of their house. Her roommate declares that Phoebe is a failure at relationships, and hasn't even had boyfriend, so onto the list that goes. She makes a hilarious play for a guy on campus. "Do you like Laotian food?" "Laotian food rocks." He then writes a note to himself - "Look up Laotia." It doesn't work out very well - as her 14 year old lawnmowing neighbor points out, she doesn't even know why she wants a boyfriend. That's when she begins to actually fall in love - with the boy.

At first the movie is heavily stylized (and i might add, very attractive - love the designs in her house), the characters played for laughs. As the movie grows, they turn into real people - which is part of the point, of course. It's whimsical and charming, and some people have compared it to a Bill Forsyth movie. That kind of works. Bill Forsyth always seemed to be a little wistful and sad, even at it's happiest. This movie is a little more hopeful, even if things don't work out. Almost a bit of Amelie.

The official website is very cool (and one of the few places to get much info - the IMDB doesn't have much, and don't even bother searching elsewhere). Know what i hate about official websites? The use of flash is so common that you can never link to the photos there. Clever jerks. Anyways, it's great for the esthetics of the movie. You can get the list that Phoebe makes (can't fault her for trying). It has links to the design company that created the look for the graphics, Phoebe's house - even her underwear (red with a bit star in the front - very cute). Theirs is also a cute site - one of their main pages is about their cats. Plus, they've got stuff for sale - pillows, undies, etc.

"If it were important, it would be written in green pen."

Of course, you can guess this is also a Canadian movie. I had to see it this weekend - it might not be here the next. Gotta make room for that delightful movie about a reindeer with an attitude, voiced by Whoopi Goldberg.

MASTER AND COMMANDER

Thursday, November 20th, 2003

I saw Master and Commander: Blah Blah Blah, a movie saddled with one of the worst titles in a long while. Most titles aren't memorable because they're bland and aren't specific to that particular movie. We didn't need to add The Far Side of The World.

Anyways, it was pretty good. A decent mix of excitement and tension. The period bits were fascinating - but there are nautical things i wish we knew about - like why did they put a pile of the crew in boats during battle? Some things i knew about - like why were there two captains on board (the marine(soldier)s - the ones in red - have a captain, two ranks below the ship's captain - a naval captian is equal to an infantry colonel).

It gets better when it slows down later one to deal with character - although the Captain's close relationship with the Doctor made me think of Kirk and McCoy. The doctor got a bit tedious, being so self-righteous (it was a military ship), and the anticipation of Darwin in the Galapagos was somewhat precious.

"So, it'll grow back then?"

THE SECRET LIVES OF DENTISTS

Saturday, November 22nd, 2003 6:48 pm: Your dentist knows you hate him

This afternoon i saw The Secret Lives of Dentists. It's been getting pretty enthusiastic reviews. My expectations were that it would be a little bit more about dentistry, and it'd be wackier, but i skimmed the reviews, coming into it with fewer preconceptions.

The dentistry angle is only tangential to the real story - the husband suspects his wife of having an affair, and he tries his hardest to avoid dealing with it, in the hope it will go away. It's actually pretty brutal in its depiction of the (barely) hidden hostility and dissatisfaction in a relationship. It's the metaphor of teeth - after all else fades away, the teeth and the marriage remain.

It's not totally dreary. The kids are like real kids - capricious, frustrating and irritating, and totally adorable. And some parts are funny. Dad boffs mom, and the next day he's up with a grin thinking he's done his job (if only he could see how little mom wanted it). Or when Dad doesn't want to talk...

And then there's Denis Leary. He plays - guess what? - an asshole. At first he's an asshole patient. Then he becomes Dad's asshole alter ego. He shows up whenever the tension would otherwise be unbearable. That's when it becomes hilarious. Actually, occasionally other 'fantasies' show up, and sometimes Dad's imagination gets away with him. And the girls have a strange reaction too. Despite his relatively calm exterior, if people knew what Dad was thinking, we might say he was having a nervous breakdown. Still, say what you will about assholes, they can be very funny.

I don't want to spoil the ending - just be assured, there's no cornball Hollywood ending. Of course, there's no real 'ending', because real life isn't like that.

THE BARBARIAN INVASIONS

Saturday, November 29th, 2003

The movie i saw was Les Invasions Barbares. It's a sequel of sorts to Le Déclin de l'empire américain, a rather famous (for Canadian) movie that came out in 1986. That movie revolved around 4 university professors talking about sex, love and life - although mainly sex - with their partners of the time. The partners varied from spouses, to mistresses to latest fuckbuddy. The title came from the central thesis of one of the characters, who talked about the moral and sexual decadence prevalent in regimes and societies in decline. One of the film's running gags is during the various flashbacks, we see that Rémy, one of the profs, has had sex with almost all the females involved.

This movie was different - it just wasn't a rehash of the same thing. It's centred around Rémy, who's dying of cancer, and his son, Sébastien, who works in at a London financial house. It's rather sad much of the time, as Rémy realizes his life is about to end, and it seems to have amounted to little. He wrote no great books. He was easily replaced as a professor. He can no longer satisfy his lusts (either sexual or gastronomic). There was a great moment when he recounted certain moments in time when brilliance came together: when (i think) Aeschylus put on his latest play, and Plato, Aristotle, Sophocles and Euripides were in the audience; when da Vinci and Michelangelo were working across a hall from each other, and Machiavelli was the business manager; and Franklin, Jefferson, et al, at the American Revolution. Rémy says, "And here's me, born in Chicoutimi in 1950." One of the others says, "It's amazing you're not stupider than you are."

The title again comes from comparing the American empire to the Roman. Someone on TV posits the 9/11 attack as when the barbarians attacked Rome. That just sets it up, because, as in the last movie, it's really about the lives of individuals. Rémy and his son don't get along. Sébastien doesn't read books - he's not an intellectual like his father. His father says, "My son is a moral capitalist, i'm a sensual socialist." (i thinkthat's right...) - Sébastien appears to be faithful to his fiancée, who also appears to be more matter of fact about life than the old guard. Unlike his father, Sébastien, isn't tied by love of country or philosophy (there's another joke about all the 'isms' the professors have believed in), and Rémy calls Sébastien the barbarian. Still, Sébastien stays around (after pleading from his mother) and helps his father in his dying days.

There's an interesting subplot about about the daughter of one of the other professors, who ends up as a heroin supplier for Rémy, someone who was affected in a different way by her mother's infidelities.

The movie was alternately funny and sad, but it never gets cloying in a Terms of Endearment way. For anyone who's seen and fallen in love with the original, it's hard not to get choked up at the inevitable end.

THE LAST SAMURAI

Saturday, December 6th, 2003

The Last Samurai was good, but not great. More or less what you'd expect. Historically, there's no doubt about how it ends. I don't really dig Tom Cruise as an actor, but at least he's not as inanimate as Keanu Reeves. There's something about him that always seems forced and insincere, like Julia Roberts - we're watching AN ACTOR ACT rather than a character feel. Cruise knits his brow a lot. And, anyone who saw the slightest interaction between the Japanese woman (practically the only woman in the movie) in the ad or trailer could see where that was leading. Ah, the demure Asian woman falling for the dashing westerner - who doesn't love a cliche?

You'd think anyone with even a pinch of military knowledge would know enough not to take foot soldiers (especially inexperienced ones) against cavalry (especially well-trained cavalary). You're just asking to be slaughtered. Admittedly, Saddam Hussein did it in the first Gulf War, sending infantry agianst American tanks, but he is a military moron, and the tanks just ran the soldiers into the ground.

Ultimately, i felt like i was supposed to be cheering for the wrong side. The Meiji Revolution was a good thing. Feudal Japan was a brutal place for most Japanese, and however cultured they were, the samurai, like the western knights and Afghan warlords, were glorified thugs. Anytime anyone starts to praise 'honor-based' codes like bushido, i can't help go back to the Lone Wolf & Cub story about an 'honorable' samurai, who slaughters an innocent family who had been the victims of a sexual assault by a couple of other samurai, in order to protect his lord's 'honor'. 'Honor' isn't about right or wrong, it's about 'face'. The rebels were given a chance to surrender, or to adapt - they even could have committed seppuku once they saw they couldn't win and didn't have the Emperor's support. Ultimately, they were responsible for many unnecessary deaths. Plus, the movie oversimplifies the events of the era - many samurai were themselves advocates of modernization.

"Isn't it great how all these peasants bow down before us? I really get off on that."

LOVE ACTUALLY

Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

I caved in and finally saw Love Actually. It wasn't quite as sloppy as i'd expected, and actually had a bit of edge in a few places. And sometimes, sentimentality is tossed for laughs, which was alright. Perhaps too many plots, and some maybe you wanted to see more of, but then maybe some you see just enough of. Rowan Atkinson was great as the anal retentive sales 'associate'.

I liked the little bit of with the two 'stand ins' being very coy about developing a relationship, while they're simulating sex in front of the cameras. I think there needs to be a chart to figure out how everyone is related to the other. Very breezy, but i like the point about love.

Billy Bob was great as the President who combines Dubya's assholishness with Clinton's sleaze.

BIG FISH

Saturday, December 13th, 2003

I'm annoyed that the only place playing Big Fish is downtown.

Anyways, Big Fish was good - not exceptional, but quite good and entertaining. When/if i see it again, i will pay closer attention to the witch and her house. The movie seemed shorter than it was, and i wouldn't have minded if there had been more tall tales in it. Ewan McGregor is very charming. Alison Lohman is very cute.

STUCK ON YOU

Monday, December 15th, 2003

This afternoon i saw Stuck On You. Okay, it's pretty damn silly. But i laughed despite myself. It's a little long - I figured it was done at one point, and then it got even longer and more sentimental. They're not quite as stupid as the trailers imply. The take for the "We're not Siamese, we're American" bit was different. There was one nasty bit of dialog in a TV show in the movie about getting a DNA sample from the smegma from someone's perineum - HA!

Eva Mendes shows us her acting talents. She actually plays a dimwit. Anyone see her on The Daily Show?

LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING

Thursday, December 18th, 2003

I had to wait 55 minutes at the cinema. UGH! It's in the middle of nowhere. If it were in the city, i could've gone to a bookstore or something. Plus, there were busloads of kids there! ARGH! I like matinees because there's usually no one there. But i guess, the last week of school, someone is figuring, let's bus'em to the cinema. One on one, teens are alright. In bunches, especially male bunches, they're kinda jerkwads. Thank god i didn't have to clean the cinema afterwards - what a sty. Me, i always carry my garbage to the bin after the movie - it's what civilized people do.

First thing i did after buying tickets was go to the washroom. Sure, i needed to, plus i took one of those cinema mags with me and read it in there. There was hardly anyone there, despite the crowds.

After a little while, when i'm done reading, i come out, buy a drink and a hot dog, and sit on a bench and eat, while waiting for the theatre to open. Eventually, i go to the back of the (FRICKIN' HUGE) line-up. Argh! They're all there for THAT show. Amazingly, the theatre could easily handle the crowds, although it's kinda loud, for what i'm used to. There are a couple of chatty girls up above me, who are mocking the characters throughout. Mostly i could ignore them, but towards the end, it was trying the crowd's patience (and they were trying mine).

What can i say about Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King? The first 5 hours were a bit tredious, with not a whole lot happening, but it moved more briskly in its second half. Yes, it was very good. But wasn't that hobbit orgy, with Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli looking on, a bit weird?

Aragorn: "A day may come when the courage of Men fail . . . when we forsake our friends, and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. It is Tuesday... around 3:30."

"Now that i've captured Saddam, this election voting thing is in the bag."

UNE FEMME DE MÉNAGE

Sunday, December 21st, 2003

There's been a dearth lately of decent movies - where some weekends there have been 3 or 4 that i might conceivably want to see.

Sunday i saw The Housekeeper (Une Femme de Ménage). It's a story about a middle-aged man, whose wife of many years has left him, who hires a young housekeeper. They eventually strike up a romance - or, she does, and she drags him into it. Of course it's French. But it was much more interesting and less cliched that i had expected. The French title is nicely ambiguous ('woman of the house' - they could have used ménagère for housekeeper).

*SPOILERS*

Some of the reviews/summaries i've read have got the story wrong. It's not that he's incapable of taking care of himself. He's been 'single' for many months (long enough for his wife to have come to regret it). He doesn't hire her because he needs help - he's lonely. He doesn't intend romance - but then as he was checking out possible housekeeprs, there was a definite different reaction from him between the younger and older potentials. But i think he justs wants there to be someone to have to talk to.

His ambivalence is quite interesting. In some ways he barely tolerates her - can't stand the music she listens to (he's jazz, she's rap), or the crappy TV she watches. On the other hand, he deliberately schedules her to be in when he is. She's the one who becomes infatuated, and he goes along. Ultimately, to escape his ex, they go to a holiday at a beach, and things spiral there.

Ultimately, the movie is about the different ways of viewing relationships at different ages. She's quickly infatuated, fickle, petulant... she's not lonely, she just wants fun and romance. She's very cute in a bikini, by the way. He's tired, distant, and stuck in his ways. It's not that he's not interested in relationships, but he's still hurting from the last one, and he doesn't have the illusions she does. He makes a lot of half-hearted efforts, and his relationship with her isn't very intense for him (which isn't to say he can't be hurt by it). Unfortunately, not knowing what we want seems to be a common theme at any age.

It's refreshing to have a 'love story' where you know the relationship is doomed, and where nothing comes to fisticuffs.

Like any good French movie, it left me feeling rather horny afterwards.

COLD MOUNTAIN

Sunday, December 28th, 2003

The movie i saw was Cold Mountain. It's about a young woman (and Nicole Kidman is pretty enough to be believable as a character who must be 15 years or so younger than she is) and a young man who are a-flirting' when the Civil War intervenes. The issue of slavery barely comes up, even though they're in the South. He discovers 'wawa is hell', and deserts after 3 or 4 years of killing and maiming fun, and then does his odyssey thing, getting nearly kilt more often than is credible. She, who was never so keen on 'wawa', is forced to actually work, what with the death of her preacher-pappy, so she hires local comedy relief and proto-femi-hick Renée Zellweger, and they do purdy well, if'n it weren't for the local gang of cartoon baddies.

It was okay. It has that Hollywood-Oscary feel all about it, not because it's great, but because it's IMPORTANT. Every line, except the comedy relief lines, is spoken with IMPORTANCE. It's fairly feminist story, which i don'tt really mind, even if it's somewhat atavistic. Only one thing you need fellers for - and if you see the movie, you'll get what i mean (and it's not the sweet lovin').

Speaking of comedy relief, if i were a over-sexualized stupid mountain hick, i'd be suing. Aren't Southerners offended by this wallowing in hickishness? I think Nicole was the only one who wore clean underwear - and was also able to maintain her perfect china doll make up no matter how much farm work she did. Biggest hick-fest since O Brother Where Art Thou. Which reminds me - there's a CD out there called O Mickey Where Art Thou, which is Disney tunes covered by bluegrass artists. Who says Disney Corp isn't evil? As a friend said, at least it's not Mickey and friends covering bluegrass music.

Oh yeah - Hollywood's new thing: if you an albino, you're evil. How long before The Association For The Advancement Persons Of Non-Colour are on this? Pigmentists!

About as close to hot lesbian sex as you'll get in this movie. Go see a Buffy rerun instead.